Ever find yourself asking the question "where is God?" I do.

Firstly, you need to take note that this entry was begun at approximately 1.30am in the morning, after a long day at work, and an emotionally hard few weeks and and emotionally full-on 2 days.

I'm all coupled out. I'm sick of weddings, I'm sick of engagements, I'm sick of hearing yet another one of my friends has found someone to hold hands with and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. I'm so sick to death of hearing of friends having babies, and of friends planning what colour the napkins are going to be at their wedding. Not that all of this isn't exciting and wonderful, don't get me wrong. I'm just over it, and completely overwhelmed. I wish God would just call me to a life of singleness, rip my heart out, and be done with it.

I find myself asking does God really care about me? But perhaps the better question is do I care about God? Perhaps I've been too busy serving Him to sit at His feet and love Him.
Ever had a relationship or a friendship with someone who you absolutely adore, admire, respect and love, but they drive you nuts to the point of feeling like you want to throw them or yourself off a cliff? That's me with God right now.
I'm serving Him with all my mind and strength, and keeping myself busy, seemingly to distract myself from the things that really matter to my heart, and to my innermost being. I'm serving Him standing here in the rain all alone. I know He is with me, and He is what I need, and I know I'm probably not seeing Him as I should be seeing Him right now, but I need people too. God right now is probably more seen in my life as the waiter who brings me what I really want and desire, than the thing that I desire. Does that make sense?

http://blog.myspace.com/kellymadams - see the entry labelled "The right perspective" and subtitled "Loving the Giver more than the gifts". Food for thought. I saw Kelly say this at AGMF recently when her husband Jimmy was performing, and I totally relate to that. But I struggle with how to change my thinking and feeling about this, especially when my desire for that intimacy with a man is so screaming out at me from the depths of my innermost being.