Huggers' Rules of Engagement:

1. A hugger shall be available to hug at a moment's notice
2. Hugs lasting less than one second are 'huggettes' and do not constitute real hugs
3. One-armed hugs are like one-handed clapping. They may look like the real thing, but they don't mean much
4. A hugger shall not combine a hug with a tickle
5. Huggers shall refrain from hugging when it would hold up the line in front of the fried chicken at all-you-can-eat buffets
6. A hugger shall let go when asked to do so (unless he or she is attending a convention of Velcro salespeople and letting go is not an option)
7. While there is no set time limit on a hug it is important to note that hugs lasting longer than two hours (other than as stated above) might be symptomatic of Lockarm Disease. Similar to Lockjaw, Lockarm prevents its victims from releasing hugs on their own. In more serious cases, a hugectomy may be required

So, praise God! I sold my little red car, AND got the price I wanted! God is good, all the time!

The day after a long, busy, depressive weekend. Don't get me wrong - there were a lot of good points, including sunshine on Saturday, and great fellowship at church last night. But there was also a complete set of things that when combined, make a good recipe for discouragement.

How do I feel today? Still discouraged, really weary - really bad sleep last night, and like i just want to curl up and hide from the world. Can I? Please?

Weddings, engagements, babies, houses.... when does it all end? How do you even begin to deal with 3 engagements in a week, and your own set of disappointments that something didn't work out the way you had hoped?
How do I reconcile the pain in my heart and the knowledge that God is good, all the time, and He has in mind for me a great plan? How do I reconcile the confusion and the hurt with the fact that God loves me? With his promises? When the reality is far from the promise? When the pain in my heart is shouting louder than God's gentle whispers? When I've lost hope again, and when the enemy sends thing after thing to attack me in the same vulnerable spot? When i just want to give up and give in. When I'm past the point of knowing anything? I'm crying out to God, and I just don't know what to do, other than give up, become a nun, or throw myself off the nearest bridge and hope that I don't wake up.
Why does this even matter so much? God, I just don't get it. I don't understand why this has to happen, and why it has to be hard, so hard, and like my hope is crushed EVERY SINGLE TIME! Is there even any parts of my heart left that are intact? anything left that's worth anything?

I want to make my life count, but all I seem to do is stuff things up. All i do is do stuff to hurt me, and hurt others around me. What I do want to do, I don't, and what I don't want to do, I do. Gah!! I don't understand why God even gives a damn. None of us are worth loving, none of us come close to doing anything worth our lives on earth. God - honestly, my advice is to not bother. Get rid of the lot of us and start afresh with a bunch of more intelligent people who actually do stuff worth loving, who don't go to pieces at the first sign of stress, and who don't care so much about what other people think, and only what You think.

I want to give up, but I know that there are some people who would feel really bad to know that I was feeling this way, and I didn't reach out, and that they couldn't do anything. I know what that guilt is like, and I don't want to cause them to feel bad because I stuffed up. There's not even a good way to get out of this whole mess without hurting someone...

I don't want any more friends. Having them and then having to go through this is just too much pain. Go away, leave me to my own hole, and don't even talk to me. If you have difficulties with this, just ask my housemates - they're pro's at leaving me alone and not talking to me.

God - where are you?

Grace and strength...
Getting woken up at 3am on a Friday night after only getting to sleep at 1am is not a pleasant experience. Especially when said drunk people are now dozing peacefully in the room next door and I'm wide awake. Gah!!! Share housing is the pits!!

Pondering Future directions...

Ever feel like you've come to a crossroads without realising it? Or perhaps you've come to it in denial, and now can't deny that you're standing at the crossroads, and have to step over a line, THE line to move on?

I'm at that place in my life, and feel like I have to step over a line and move on, but it's gonna be a tough journey. I need God to give me the strength to make it thru and stick to the decision I have made.

Lots to think about, so much to process.

Had a meeting tonight, and it's brought a bit more clarity, and the freedom to express how I feel and what's really going on. I also got to hear things from the other 'side of the coin' so to speak, and that i'm sure will bring clarity in the days ahead. I heard some stuff I probably knew was coming, but didn't really want to hear, but i'm sure that the same was also true for the others. However, the one thing I need to do more than anything right now is give myself the time and space I need, to get back 'on top of things'. I've known I've been depressed for awhile now, but haven't been able to face it, but having 2 other people tell me that tonight was so real and so maybe 'freeing'? I'm not sure. I need to go to bed, and believe that I will sleep tonight, so if anyone actually reads this, you can be praying that I get some quality sleep.

So, my most recent development in my War against weight and about feeling better about being me, and about being happy in my skin is:




* drum roll*




I'm going to apply to be a contestant on the next series of the Biggest Loser.

Regardless of whether or not people like the show, I have been inspired by the people on there who have battled not only years of obesity and excess weight, but confronted their fears and insecurities. And I've decided that it would be the kick up the butt that i need to kickstart weightloss for me. And hey - getting access to a gym for 'free' for a couple months has gotta be good!! :D So yeah, pray for me, and if I get in - cheer for me!!

Weight for thought... I need to lose at least 30 kgs... :( Been watching the Biggest Loser this week, and have decided that I'm gonna apply for the next season of the show. I need to do something drastic to lose weight... :( So yes.. that's about my thoughts for today.. other than being VERY happy and excited that tonight, I begin my week's holidays :D yay! The possibilities are endless!!

Bethany Dillon is fantastic. She has a heart of gold and music to match!

Ever find yourself asking the question "where is God?" I do.

Firstly, you need to take note that this entry was begun at approximately 1.30am in the morning, after a long day at work, and an emotionally hard few weeks and and emotionally full-on 2 days.

I'm all coupled out. I'm sick of weddings, I'm sick of engagements, I'm sick of hearing yet another one of my friends has found someone to hold hands with and whisper sweet nothings in their ears. I'm so sick to death of hearing of friends having babies, and of friends planning what colour the napkins are going to be at their wedding. Not that all of this isn't exciting and wonderful, don't get me wrong. I'm just over it, and completely overwhelmed. I wish God would just call me to a life of singleness, rip my heart out, and be done with it.

I find myself asking does God really care about me? But perhaps the better question is do I care about God? Perhaps I've been too busy serving Him to sit at His feet and love Him.
Ever had a relationship or a friendship with someone who you absolutely adore, admire, respect and love, but they drive you nuts to the point of feeling like you want to throw them or yourself off a cliff? That's me with God right now.
I'm serving Him with all my mind and strength, and keeping myself busy, seemingly to distract myself from the things that really matter to my heart, and to my innermost being. I'm serving Him standing here in the rain all alone. I know He is with me, and He is what I need, and I know I'm probably not seeing Him as I should be seeing Him right now, but I need people too. God right now is probably more seen in my life as the waiter who brings me what I really want and desire, than the thing that I desire. Does that make sense?

http://blog.myspace.com/kellymadams - see the entry labelled "The right perspective" and subtitled "Loving the Giver more than the gifts". Food for thought. I saw Kelly say this at AGMF recently when her husband Jimmy was performing, and I totally relate to that. But I struggle with how to change my thinking and feeling about this, especially when my desire for that intimacy with a man is so screaming out at me from the depths of my innermost being.

This is war! In more ways than one! Tonight, as I sit at my computer with my tired eyes, but unable to sleep, I make a commitment here and now to:
* go for an hour's walk every morning Monday through Friday, then come home for a shower and to spend half an hour in God's word over breakfast before work
* take my lunch to work everyday or come home and make something at lunch time - no more buying unhealthy lunches!
* no more diet coke or softdrinks of any description unless it's lemonade and I'm feeling sick

So, those of you who live near to me and read my blog, please help me stick to this and keep me accountable! Love you all!

Will blog more later in the week, especially regarding some stuff I heard over the Easter weekend at AGMF. :)

Today is the day before all the craziness of Easter starts! As I write this, I'm sitting at my parents' house in my old room, waiting for my friend to arrive, so we can get her settled in here, and then head down and set up our stall at AGMF (Australian Gospel Music Festival). I'm really excited about it, as it's always a fantastic time and an awesome experience, but this year will be so totally different to any other year. The festival has been going since 1999, and I've been to every single festival, but I've never been an exhibitor before, so that will be a completely different experience!
Things I'm praying for and about this weekend:
* that people will be impacted by the music they hear and the people they meet
* that people will be inspired and motivated and excited and passionate, and will get a glimpse of God's love for people by the whole weekend
* that our stall would be used for the glory of God and that we as representatives for our organisation, would be gracious and loving and great examples of God's love
* for God's strength to overwhelm us this weekend, especially as both of us are quite exhausted
* for lots of people to come help us at the stall :)

I sit here tonight listening to the radio, and relaxing in front of my computer after a rather long day. I worked this morning at iTeams, then had an interview for a tutoring agency at Bondi Junction at 2pm, then had my first session with a new tutoring student at 6pm at Kellyville. After that, I had to go to Woolworths before they closed, pop home to get my gift for Janet, then go to her place to give it to her :)

Our housewarming is happening tomorrow, which will also be quite exciting. The less exciting, but more important thing that happens tomorrow is voting.. the whole state votes tomorrow in the elections. I'm praying that the Christian Democratic Party will get the extra seats they need to be the influential party in decisions. Praying that God will be the centre of the decisions made tomorrow and made in our governments from tomorrow onwards!

Don't you just love it when you're tired, but not sleepy? Go figure! I have one of those nights. I think my body is paying me back from having some seriously early nights over the weekend when I was sick in bed pretty much all weekend.. and now it thinks it can pay me back!

So, I have some time to think in the silence of my house, with the only sounds being that of my coughing, the clock ticking, the fridge doing it's thing, and my fingers on my laptop's keyboard. Hmm. So, what kinds of things does a single young Christian woman think about at 12.50am when she's tired but not sleepy?
Of course, she reflects on the day that was.. now that it's at least 55 minutes past being over!

Today the following things happened:
* I went to work at International Teams
* I had a minor accident involving my front bumper bar and the back of another guy's car when I was trying to find a park so i could go to the interview.
* I had my casual teaching approval personal suitability interview and got the approval! Yay!
* I lost a chunk out of the heel of my shoes when I was running back to my car so i wouldn't get a parking ticket for being parked there too long
* went back to ITeams to work a few more hours
* came home, had a glass of wine with dinner
* watched "Heroes" :)
* showered and raced to pick Liesel up then head to Janet's to watch 24 at 10.30pm
* watched 24
* got bitten by a centipede/caterpillar thing - for future reference - it hurts, don't recommend it!
* talked to janet and Liesel while trying to decide if i'd stay the night or go home..
* rang sarah to talk about the stuff for tomorrow (supervising an exam)
* talked some more
* decided to go home after all..
* said goodbye
* came home

So yes. Thrilling day. Tomorrow is supervision, passport interview, tutoring, tutoring, and going to my friend's band's gig. :) Fun! :D

So, since yesterday's post.. I've spent some time with God, gone to work even though I am sick, got sent home early, eaten dinner and gotten ready for some more time with God before heading to bed earlier than usual. Other than the usual things, I've had a better than average day.. God is good!
Today I received 2 cheques from a friend of a friend of mine, who I haven't even met. One was a cheque for a large sum of money to help with my monthly costs, which I have a gap in at the moment.. and the other cheque was also for a generous amount for me personally... which has been such a blessing to me! I also received a cheque from one of my regular and very generous supporters, as a special gift to helping me out with things. On top of those blessings (which just completely made my day, let me tell you!), I also got paid from some casual teaching I did last week, which I got told I may not get paid for because my approval had expired.. so it's such a blessing to actually get paid from that!
My God is an awesome God!

So, first post. What to say? Something inspirational? How about I just borrow from someone else?

"The glory of God is man fully alive" - Saint Irenaeus

THIS IS WAR!!!
I've realised more just this weekend, at home sick, than I think I have over the past almost a year of living in Sydney. I've been living by faith, but not really, if you get my drift? I've been trying to do all this, and save my own preverbial butt in my own strength, all the while hoping and praying that God would step in. How did I expect Him to step in, when I'm not giving Him any room to do so?
This life is a battle. I realise that more now. The evil one comes to steal and destroy, and I've been letting him get me good. He's stolen my joy and my peace, my security and my hope. Right now, I claim that all back in Jesus' name! Satan has no hold over me! I am a princess of the King! I have hope that only God can bring, and I claim that in the power given to me by my Father - the King of Kings!

So, today, I write.. I am going to step back from my crazed 'keeping the financial boat afloat' schemes, and let God be God. I'm going to spend time with Him each day, basking in His presence, and just sit at His feet, do nothing but BE in love with Him. I'm gonna stop being frustrated and angry at Him, and see that He is longing to set me free, if I'd only let Him. He has pulled through every single time I've called on His name, and I say now, I expect Him to pull through in my current situation. I'm claiming back the hope I have let satan steal, I'm claiming back my joy that he has destroyed, and letting Jesus restore that. I'm claiming back the peace I have as God's child, I'm claiming back the security I have knowing that God is my dad, and HE is faithful and true. I'm gonna listen to His voice, I'm going to let Him love me.

This is WAR!!!!