So, praise God! I sold my little red car, AND got the price I wanted! God is good, all the time!

The day after a long, busy, depressive weekend. Don't get me wrong - there were a lot of good points, including sunshine on Saturday, and great fellowship at church last night. But there was also a complete set of things that when combined, make a good recipe for discouragement.

How do I feel today? Still discouraged, really weary - really bad sleep last night, and like i just want to curl up and hide from the world. Can I? Please?

Weddings, engagements, babies, houses.... when does it all end? How do you even begin to deal with 3 engagements in a week, and your own set of disappointments that something didn't work out the way you had hoped?
How do I reconcile the pain in my heart and the knowledge that God is good, all the time, and He has in mind for me a great plan? How do I reconcile the confusion and the hurt with the fact that God loves me? With his promises? When the reality is far from the promise? When the pain in my heart is shouting louder than God's gentle whispers? When I've lost hope again, and when the enemy sends thing after thing to attack me in the same vulnerable spot? When i just want to give up and give in. When I'm past the point of knowing anything? I'm crying out to God, and I just don't know what to do, other than give up, become a nun, or throw myself off the nearest bridge and hope that I don't wake up.
Why does this even matter so much? God, I just don't get it. I don't understand why this has to happen, and why it has to be hard, so hard, and like my hope is crushed EVERY SINGLE TIME! Is there even any parts of my heart left that are intact? anything left that's worth anything?

I want to make my life count, but all I seem to do is stuff things up. All i do is do stuff to hurt me, and hurt others around me. What I do want to do, I don't, and what I don't want to do, I do. Gah!! I don't understand why God even gives a damn. None of us are worth loving, none of us come close to doing anything worth our lives on earth. God - honestly, my advice is to not bother. Get rid of the lot of us and start afresh with a bunch of more intelligent people who actually do stuff worth loving, who don't go to pieces at the first sign of stress, and who don't care so much about what other people think, and only what You think.

I want to give up, but I know that there are some people who would feel really bad to know that I was feeling this way, and I didn't reach out, and that they couldn't do anything. I know what that guilt is like, and I don't want to cause them to feel bad because I stuffed up. There's not even a good way to get out of this whole mess without hurting someone...

I don't want any more friends. Having them and then having to go through this is just too much pain. Go away, leave me to my own hole, and don't even talk to me. If you have difficulties with this, just ask my housemates - they're pro's at leaving me alone and not talking to me.

God - where are you?